Ten common mistakes that newbie swingers make
When a couple makes the decision to try swinging, it’s a moment filled with nervous excitement and huge expectations. Whether they discussed entering the scene at great length, or made a spontaneous suggestion to each other one weekend to try partner swapping, more often than not they didn’t consider some of the boring things that actually will make their experiences better in the long run. There’s nothing wrong with being eager beavers but here are some common mistakes that newbie swingers make in the quest to pop their swinging cherry.
1. Meeting and playing with the first couple you get in touch with.
The two most common ways for new swingers to meet other couples are via the Internet (using swinger sites) or by going to a swingers club or party. Either way, newbies should remember that they don’t have to interact with the first people who show interest in them. Naturally, if it’s lust at first site, then go for it! However, if you don’t feel all four of you have clicked well or if something doesn’t sit right, then take a step back. There are many other sexy couples to meet so if you wouldn’t necessarily buy the first car or house you see, then it’s worth being patient to make your first time special. Just be polite and honest: explain that you’re newbie swingers and not quite ready to all the way. Most swinger couples will understand.
2. Being overly precious or picky.
While it’s a good idea to wait for the right couple, don’t get too caught up in the notion of finding the ‘perfect’ couple either or you could be waiting a long time. Not everyone you meet online or at a swingers event is going to be your cup of tea but keep in mind that you might not be theirs either. Whether it’s physical or intellectual adequacy you find lacking in people you start meeting, if you find yourselves still swinging virgins after a few months, then it’s time to bring your benchmark down a notch. If you’re adamant that your first time be with people you feel are your absolute equals, then by all means stick to your guns. Keep in mind however that the point of swinging is not to find your life partners. Your first experience (just like sex in general) just needs to be positive and pleasant enough for you to want to try again, and again, with different people. It may take a while until you have that ultimate, mind-blowing swinging experience. It just doesn’t have to be the very first time you dabble.
3. Not setting down ground rules and/or accepting that rules do get broken.
I guess this tip is about setting realistic expectations about swinging so your relationship remains solid and happy. Rules can be as simple as not allowing kissing or swapping for penetrative sex, or more specific agreements about how you play with other people. What rules are for is to prevent as many unexpected (and often unpleasant) surprises as possible in the early stages of your swinging life. As you become more experienced, you will be better equipped for times when things don’t quite go your way. By the later stage, you will also understand that rules sometimes get broken with no malice intended. It’s best to view the rules you set up as a general guideline and that you’re likely to re-write the guide as you go along.
4. Getting into swinging to fix a broken relationship.
Unfortunately many couples do try swinging to see if it might save a flagging relationship. A small percentage may find partner swapping renews their interest in each other but for most, swinging just becomes that proverbial Band-Aid solution. If you have some fundamental problems in your relationship, and in particular, those issues are related to jealousy or trust issues, swinging is the last thing to consider trying. If you’re at the absolute end of the line and figure there’s no harm in having a go, then by all means do. If there’s a chance your relationship can be salvaged then please consider more conventional ways of reconnecting with each other.
5. Not being yourselves.
There’s absolutely no need for newbie swingers to feel they have to impress other people. Like any first dates, it’s important to leave a good impression with the people you meet but usually that just means being your usual, normal selves (I think…). In short, don’t feel you have to be more outgoing than usual or seem more glamorous/worldly to fit in. Swingers come from all walk of life. Some have travelled the world (and enjoyed places like Hedo and Cap d’Agde) whereas others have never been on an aeroplane. Swingers are white-collared as much as blue-collared. If you’re concerned that you won’t fit in with the people you meet then try a swingers site so you can get to know some swingers at your own pace in the comfort of your own home. Once you click with some couples on a social level, you can work out which one can take your ‘V’ Plate 😉
6. Getting emotionally attached to other swingers.
For couples who have not experienced sexual intimacy with anyone else for many years, it can be quite daunting to touch and be touched by someone completely new, and purely just for sexual gratification. In particular, for people who haven’t really engaged in casual sex, it may feel odd to not have anything to do with a sexual partner other than to have sex and occasionally socialise. The best thing to do is to validate those feelings and discuss them with your partner. Agree that a bit of emotional attachment is natural but to let each other know if those feelings start to get out of hand. If you form an attachment to one particular swinging partner to a point where you don’t want to meet anyone else and perhaps even fantasise meeting that person on your own, it’s time to sever ties and move to new pastures. Once you start meeting more people and have a whole lot of glorious, casual swinging sex, you’ll be able to keep the emotional aspect of sex where it belongs: with your partner.
7. Getting wasted/trashed/high/drunk.
As adults, you no doubt have your own moral compass when it comes to alcohol and drug use. Our website is not here to preach but to people who have a liberal view of ‘enhancements’, we do implore you to enter the swinging scene with all your faculties intact. We all need a little Dutch courage to calm nerves but let’s not go overboard to a point where you can’t remember who you had sex with and where. We want you to bask in the glow of a sexy swinging experience for days after the event; not have you spend the next day with your head in the toilet bowl. We also don’t want to preach about safe sex but even the best of intentions in this regards goes out the window if you’re not thinking straight. Our opinion is that you’ll get more out of the swinging experience in the early stages if you are sober and have the capacity to know what feels good or even right.
8. Forgetting that swinging is a team sport. Always.
In the initial stages of swinging, it’s likely that both partners will discover things about their own sexuality which for most part is a glorious by-product of entering the scene. There’s nothing wrong with focussing on your own needs and individual preferences, but don’t forget that swinging is a team sport. Whatever you want to explore needs to be agreed upon mutually. You may want to try having sex with a transgendered person but if your partner isn’t comfortable with that idea, then that’s the end of discussion. You should of course be able to freely discuss those interests and yearnings with your partner but your relationship is primary. Any activities you engage in with other people is always secondary and should never encroach on your primary relationship. Until you’re comfortable that your relationship can weather the various storms of swinging, only engage in activities that both partners are fully comfortable with. Don’t use guilt or coercion to win the vote either. It’s not fair.
9. Mixing friendship with swinging.
Don’t get us wrong. Great friendships have come out of swinging just as many fantastic swinging experiences have happened with friends. However, until you’re sure you enjoy swinging and can navigate the potentially awkward moments without breaking a sweat, we suggest that newbie swingers limit play time with strangers. Sure you might have had designs on your sexy neighbours for the longest time but if a swinging experience goes awry, it’s easier to block someone on a swingers site than to move house. Right? It may seem like a good idea to engage in something as intimate as partner swapping with people you already know, trust and like, but trust us when we say it is much better to make new friends that are purpose built, than to try and salvage a friendship that can’t withstand crossing that line.
10. Letting swinging overtake everything.
It’s not hard to get caught up in the sheer excitement of having introduced new sex partners into your lives but it’s important to not let it invade every aspect of your relationship. Don’t forget to keep enjoying the sex you have with each other. It’s best to learn how to separate swinging from your own intimate moments, though it’s sometimes fun to let the two collide for added pleasure.
Swinging should only be fun and enriching for your relationship. Take heed of the above and newbie swingers will no doubt have a fantastic time. Good luck! xx
